I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
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“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over