Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
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4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator