Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
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HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
Cannot stop laughing at this
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
Wordle 241 1/6
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Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
why isn’t thunder called soundning
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*