@cookiesnweed: Get your shit together, people at McDonald's drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn't been the same for the last 50 years
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@stephenjmolloy: [AA meeting] Ian: ...and I've been sober for 12 years now. Me: Err... I'm at the wrong meeting. *start packing up my battery collection*
@0point5twins: Girlfriend left a note on the fridge "this isn't working, you take everything too literally". She'll be so happy when she sees the new one.
@shatterpants: I like to tell people "it's a black thing, you wouldn't understand."And they'd be all "but you're white" I told ya you wouldn't understand.
@BakedBrotatoes: -Does it have apples in it? -No. -What about pine? -No pine either. -Perfect, we'll call it a pineapple.