@Vodkantots: Get your therapist to start taking you seriously by pulling a donut out of your purse.
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@jtrulez: Oh LinkedIn, what juicy tidbits do you have for me today? *raises monocle* Stanley added a skill?! HAHA! That is most delightful! *sips tea*
@TheBoydP: Interviewer: Any questions? Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
@gogglepossum: Cop: [knocks] Dinosaur: can I help you? Cop: we've had reports of small arms fire [Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]