@Vodkantots: Get your therapist to start taking you seriously by pulling a donut out of your purse.
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@JohnLyonTweets: *searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it* OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
@iGreenMonk: Sometimes you just got to listen to your heart, and my heart is like "listen to your stomach".
@JoParkerBear: God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don't have money. That makes God super mad.