People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
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I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
Me trying to look natural in photos
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack