Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
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When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend