*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
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i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married