Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it