Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
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Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”