Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
You Might Also Like
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it鈥檚 okay to steal from work
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don鈥檛 know,am I?
The man I married can land a fly on a trout鈥檚 snout.
The man I married says it鈥檚 not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn鈥檛 allow imprecise compliments.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
Always the camel, never the toe.
I鈥檓 always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
I鈥檓 not flirting with disaster, we鈥檙e eloping.
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 馃檲)
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
Priest: Don鈥檛 chew gum in church.
Me: If I don鈥檛, I鈥檒l have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It鈥檚 your fault if I go to hell.
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
The French word for sex is croissant.
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.