And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
You Might Also Like
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon