*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
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Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me