Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
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[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
i made a craigslist ad !
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
*eats only grass-fed donuts
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
“How do you do, fellow birds?”