“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
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I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.