@bIessbaby: *gets abducted by aliens* thank you. you have no idea how much i hated living on that planet
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@KalvinMacleod: HUSBAND 911: what your emergency? ME: my wife hears everything HUSBAND 911: do I? ME: what? HUSBAND 911: what?
@ArfMeasures: Me: I've brought a urine sample Doctor: I didn't ask for a urine sample Me: There was a lot of traffic
@Just_Lee_: My horoscope says I will meet the man of my dreams today. Not sure how my husband will take the news but I'm pretty damn excited
@rancheroni: football coach: i need you guys to make a play (8 months later at opening night) football coach: wait wtf is this