@bIessbaby: *gets abducted by aliens* thank you. you have no idea how much i hated living on that planet
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@truegritrumble: (At My Funeral) FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20. ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
@chelliet22: I start conversations with my children by saying "Listen to me," to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
@amydillon: Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in. "What is this? It tastes like hair," said one ungrateful child.
@ibid78: The year is 2072. Numbers have lost all meaning. It could be 3247 for all they know. "It's 5486," says one guy, but it could've been 8 guys.