Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
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Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.