*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
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I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
Our lord and savoury.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”