[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
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Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”