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[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.