*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
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Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
bout dat hot dog summer
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks