*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
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I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
Bond. Trauma bond.
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
This bar smells like my childhood.
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this