*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
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I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
How do you milk an almond?
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind