*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
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Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
I did not eat the cake…
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
Banana is the quietest snack
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert