*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
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wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
I enjoy a good short stor
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.