*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
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Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*