[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
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The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.