[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
You Might Also Like
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life鈥檚 decisions.
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
Me: I know something we can do tonight 馃槈
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
Pro tip: when you鈥檙e on your way home, don鈥檛 answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you鈥檙e still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
They鈥檙e the worst 馃槱
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
Whatever you鈥檙e giving up for lent, I鈥檒l take it.
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.