[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
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They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.