[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
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Flowers bee like
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
(2022)
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.