There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
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The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
what day is it?