*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
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Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*