If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
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IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
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dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is