My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
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[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget