[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
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You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.