[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
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i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs