*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
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Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.