*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
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Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?