i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
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Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
Just had my nails done!
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
I have never related to a cat more
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!