*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
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*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
We cut our bangs at dawn.