@daemonic3: *gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can't you be more like the other knee?
@Floatersfinest: I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks 'This is WAY cheaper than Asylums'
@kamtweeting: Give me a few strong men, and I'll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I'll conquer the world.
@Izianikapani: I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn't be able to stop until I'd added glasses and a moustache.
@Michael_Erhart: Person: "That's a beautiful baby."
Me: "Thanks, I named him after his grandpa."
Person: "Awe, what's his name?"
@abbycohenwl: Realized I never said "unquote" after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I've said since is Shakespeare