*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
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Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
Finally! 😈
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs