*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
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LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?