*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
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By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
Today’s Times
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
that lip filler tho
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?