*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
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Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
i’m sure it’s fine
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
I love the National Park Service.
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.