*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
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I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.