[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
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Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.