[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
You Might Also Like
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
Never ghost your hitman.
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
6. me as a lawyer
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.