I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
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Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.