[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
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The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.