*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
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Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
nobody’s gonna understand
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…