*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
You Might Also Like
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
This raises questions
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’