is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
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What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
#parenting
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]